Why do kids lie?

Here’s classic conversation from my family: 

• Me: “Who forgot to flush the toilet? There’s poop in it!”
• Child 1: “Not me.  I haven’t been in there for hours.”
• Child 2: ” Not me. I always flush.”
• Me:  “Well, I didn’t do it.  Are you suggesting that your father did?”
• Both kids look at me with the most sincere, honestly confused faces imaginable. All I can do is storm away, knowing full well that someone is blatantly lying to me. Outside of DNA matching, I’ll never know the truth. Guess who ended up flushing the toilet?

Why do kids do this? And why do they so readily seem to believe their own tall tales?  Sometimes I think my kids could fool any lie detector test. In fact, there is a lot going on here. Consider these facts:

1. Most of the tales kids tell us are based on a grain of truth.  There is an element of honesty that they grab on to, but then they may quickly embellish, adapt, shift focus, redirect  or replace themselves in the story in the most creative ways. This small grain of truth allows kids to feel that they are being honest enough, even when the grain of truth seems invisible to us.
2. Most lies are told because kids are fearful of the consequences of telling the truth. They may fear punishment, adult anger, guilty feelings or even embarrassment. I heard fabulous advice years ago from Brian Tracy ( a sales and motivational speaker). He said that he told his children that they would never get into trouble for telling the truth. I have told my kids this and I repeat it regularly.  It has made a difference.  I have also told them that, although I may be very frustrated or exasperated by the truth, I won’t punish them.  Lying, on the other hand, could result in some serious losses of  priveldges.  This has worked well with my kids, except in some cases where the lie is hiding a fear of embarrassment – hence the lack of an honest non-flushing pooper.
3. Small children live in a world deeply coloured by their imagination.  We read them stories and they watch fanciful movies and TV shows.  We encourage them to exercise their creative muscles, so truth stretching and story-telling is a skill they learn early on. We teach it to them!  Small children are not really lying; they are usually sharing what they think is real or even what they wish was real. They may not always be able to distinguish reality from their imagined world. Small children may also attempt to fill in the gaps in what they know to be true with imagined facts as they attempt to make sense of something that just happened.
4. School kids may exaggerate to protect themselves, to compete better with others and to model other children that they admire. School can be a tough, tough social world. By its very nature, school compares the results of children against those of other kids. When the comparisons extend to the social world, it may feel easier to exaggerate, spin a tale or outright lie than to tell the bare truth to a group of peers. Once this starts, it can spiral out-of-control until your child gets caught in his or her lies.  Of course, this can create a whole new problem…
   
5. Adding your anger into the mix won’t make lying stop; in fact, it could cause an increase. So take it a little easy, especially with younger kids. Try saying something like, “Let’s think about that a little.  Does it really make sense?”  Don’t make angry accusations or threaten your kids to get at the truth. This will backfire on you.  With older kids, you can add in a  little humour: “Hmmm…interesting. How did you come up with that? Want to try again?” And try creating an environment in your home where the truth, no matter how unpleasant, is better-received than a more palatable lie.

Lying isn’t the end of the world. Having a better understanding of what is going on may help tone down any anger or frustration you feel so that you can better handle the situation you face.

There is more to say about lying.  Tomorrow’s post: How to Talk to Your Kids about Lying.

catherine
Author of the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids - a book about how to use the skills of a professional facilitator in the home to improve parent-child communication.  Find info here: http://bit.ly/4WJhV

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