The air date is likely in February 2010 – I’ll keep you posted on that.  I’ll also share a link to view the program online once available.

catherine

Author of the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids - a book about how to use the skills of a professional facilitator in the home to improve parent-child communication.  Find info here: http://bit.ly/4WJhV

Now that you have a better understanding of the reasons why children lie, how do you talk to your kids about lying (without freaking out)? Here’s an excerpt from my book, Talk about Anything with Your Kids on the topic.

Lying is a hot topic. No parent likes to think that their children do not tell the truth at all times. Yet most parents start to realize that children try to protect themselves and want to present themselves in the best light possible, even if a variation on the truth is required. My awakening occurred the first time I heard a glass-smashing crash and turned to find both my children pointing an accusing finger at the other. (No one ever owned up to it, by way…)

Have a discussion on lying if your children regularly won’t back away from a falsehood or if the frequency of lying concerns you. [Also, a discussion about lying can help children make good decisions about it later if lies become something they are considering. So you could discuss it as a general topic of interest too.]

Questions 

 Ask your children these questions and listen closely to the answers. Try to let your children do most of the talking so that you can better understand their perspective.

1.  Why do people lie?  Your children will consider the reasons for lying. 

Prompting questions: Why don’t people tell the truth all the time? Why is telling the truth hard sometimes?

2.  How do people feel after they tell a lie? How do people feel after they find out someone has told them a lie?  Your children will consider the impact of lying on those that lie and on others. As your children answer both questions above, they should come to realize that neither party feels good after a lie.

Prompting questions: What does it feel like inside after a person has told a lie? Does it feel good or not so good? How does it feel to find out that someone has lied to you? Does it feel good or bad? Who feels better after a lie – the liar or the person lied to?

3. What could a person do when they are worried about telling the truth but don’t want to lie?    Your children will consider alternatives to lying. Ideas could include taking responsibility for accidents and mistakes, taking a deep breath and saying, “You are not going to like this but…” or admitting that they are afraid of telling the truth instead of lying.

Prompting questions: What could a person do instead of lying? What could a person who is afraid of telling the truth do?

4. What could we do in our family to make it feel safer to tell the truth? [If lying is not currently an issue in your home, ask: What can we do to ensure that we always feel safe telling the truth in our family?]  Discuss what you as a family can do to create or maintain a safe environment for telling the truth, even when the truth may be upsetting.

Prompting questions: How can we help each other tell the truth? What would make it easier to tell the truth at home?

5. What will you do the next time you are tempted to tell a lie? What will you do the next time someone catches you in a lie? [If lying is not currently an issue in your home, ask: What will you do if you ever feel tempted to tell a lie?]  Discuss what changes your children are willing to make to reduce lying.   Discuss how they will behave when caught in a lie and what would make it easier for them to admit to a lie.

Wrap-up   Wrap-up your discussion by striking an agreement based on your answers from 4 and 5 above. Then say, “Thanks! Great job! That’s it! We’re done!”

Finally, acknowledge and praise every small improvement your children make. If improvement is not required, acknowledge this with pride!

I hope this helps you have a great discussion about lying with your kids. 

catherine

Learn how to have great discussions with your kids on 44 different topics including lying in the award-winning book Talk about Anything with Your Kids. Info at:  http://bit.ly/2sWTIm 

• Me: “Who forgot to flush the toilet? There’s poop in it!”
• Child 1: “Not me.  I haven’t been in there for hours.”
• Child 2: ” Not me. I always flush.”
• Me:  “Well, I didn’t do it.  Are you suggesting that your father did?”
• Both kids look at me with the most sincere, honestly confused faces imaginable. All I can do is storm away, knowing full well that someone is blatantly lying to me. Outside of DNA matching, I’ll never know the truth. Guess who ended up flushing the toilet?

Why do kids do this? And why do they so readily seem to believe their own tall tales?  Sometimes I think my kids could fool any lie detector test. In fact, there is a lot going on here. Consider these facts:

1. Most of the tales kids tell us are based on a grain of truth.  There is an element of honesty that they grab on to, but then they may quickly embellish, adapt, shift focus, redirect  or replace themselves in the story in the most creative ways. This small grain of truth allows kids to feel that they are being honest enough, even when the grain of truth seems invisible to us.
2. Most lies are told because kids are fearful of the consequences of telling the truth. They may fear punishment, adult anger, guilty feelings or even embarrassment. I heard fabulous advice years ago from Brian Tracy ( a sales and motivational speaker). He said that he told his children that they would never get into trouble for telling the truth. I have told my kids this and I repeat it regularly.  It has made a difference.  I have also told them that, although I may be very frustrated or exasperated by the truth, I won’t punish them.  Lying, on the other hand, could result in some serious losses of  priveldges.  This has worked well with my kids, except in some cases where the lie is hiding a fear of embarrassment – hence the lack of an honest non-flushing pooper.
3. Small children live in a world deeply coloured by their imagination.  We read them stories and they watch fanciful movies and TV shows.  We encourage them to exercise their creative muscles, so truth stretching and story-telling is a skill they learn early on. We teach it to them!  Small children are not really lying; they are usually sharing what they think is real or even what they wish was real. They may not always be able to distinguish reality from their imagined world. Small children may also attempt to fill in the gaps in what they know to be true with imagined facts as they attempt to make sense of something that just happened.
4. School kids may exaggerate to protect themselves, to compete better with others and to model other children that they admire. School can be a tough, tough social world. By its very nature, school compares the results of children against those of other kids. When the comparisons extend to the social world, it may feel easier to exaggerate, spin a tale or outright lie than to tell the bare truth to a group of peers. Once this starts, it can spiral out-of-control until your child gets caught in his or her lies.  Of course, this can create a whole new problem…
   
5. Adding your anger into the mix won’t make lying stop; in fact, it could cause an increase. So take it a little easy, especially with younger kids. Try saying something like, “Let’s think about that a little.  Does it really make sense?”  Don’t make angry accusations or threaten your kids to get at the truth. This will backfire on you.  With older kids, you can add in a  little humour: “Hmmm…interesting. How did you come up with that? Want to try again?” And try creating an environment in your home where the truth, no matter how unpleasant, is better-received than a more palatable lie.

Lying isn’t the end of the world. Having a better understanding of what is going on may help tone down any anger or frustration you feel so that you can better handle the situation you face.

There is more to say about lying.  Tomorrow’s post: How to Talk to Your Kids about Lying.

catherine
Author of the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids - a book about how to use the skills of a professional facilitator in the home to improve parent-child communication.  Find info here: http://bit.ly/4WJhV

Some people just have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. They are being, “Hung by the Tongue!”

A state trooper pulled a man over for speeding on a deserted road. Since the road was clear and the weather fine, the trooper had indicated that he may not give the man a ticket, and let him off with a warning. He even complemented both the man and his wife for wearing their seatbelts. At that point the woman leaned over and said, “Well, officer, when you drive the speeds we do, you have to wear them.” That’s when the trooper wrote the ticket. Hung by the Tongue!

Gene and Carolyn were entertaining for the first time since the birth of their baby. Everything ran smoothly until one of Gene’s buddies arrived with his new girlfriend—a woman whom Carolyn did not particularly care for. She beckoned her husband upstairs with the excuse that they had to check on the baby. In the privacy of the nursery, she spoke freely of her disdain for the new guest. When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, they were greeted with an awkward silence—except for the occasional murmuring of the sleeping baby that came from the infant monitor sitting on the table. Hung by the Tongue!

There is an ancient Japanese proverb that says, “A tongue three inches long can kill a man six feet tall.”

If you are continually being “hung by your tongue,” you can be “loosed from the noose” if you would just learn to engage your mind a little bit before you speak! Here’s the process: Think… then speak! I believe that we need to make our words sweet—just in case we have to eat them!

The words of your mouth are a creative force. They play a big part in predestining your future. Your words are the architects of your life. The tongue is like a tool. We need to use our tools of the present to build the future we desire.

You see, your future will someday be your present. Your present will someday be your past. You can chart the course of your future by your compass… your tongue. It will guide you like a rudder… into either troubled waters or a calm sea. But, don’t be misled… it WILL guide you.

If you can change what you think about, you can change what comes out of your mouth. What comes out of your mouth will someday be in your future.

The words you speak create an atmosphere. If you are going to have a meeting and you really pump it up and build it, what happens? People come with expectancy! They come excited. Your words have set the stage for success! One of the foundational revelations of a wise leader is to learn to control his or her words!

Remember, Samson slew 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Way too many businesses, lives and relationships are destroyed with the same weapon.

Be loosed from the Noose! Refuse to be… Hung by the Tongue

—Gary Eby

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After a debrief everyone removes their label so that they can see why they were treated as they were during the exercise.  Those who had the most negative labels usually have the most to say.  Often, some say that they started to behave the way others seemed to be treating them, living up to their label without even knowing what it was. In every case, some will say that they started to feel badly about themselves, despite the fact that the exercise only lasts 4 minutes.

Why do I do this?  Because we label people all the time.  If you are not sure whether you do, think again.  If I asked you to describe a friend you might quickly say: smart, funny, a bit of a slob, slightly scattered and a great cook.  There you go – labelled.  In the workplace, we often take someone new under our wing and ‘show them the ropes’.  “Bob is an expert – a real go-to guy.  Janet is a gossip – stay away from her unless you want everyone to know your business.  Mark is okay, but if you have a problem see Mary – she knows how to get things done.”  Wow, only 20 seconds and you have tainted the new guy’s impression of everyone in the office with your personal labels.

Unfortunately, we do this with our own children, too.  It starts early: our child is easy, difficult, artistic, stubborn, messy, sensitive, helpful, clutzy…  It is more serious with children, especially since parents tend to share these labels with their kids.  Children often will do everything they can to live up to the label assigned to them.  If you tell your child that she is messy, she has no motivation to be otherwise.  What’s the point?  Labelling our kids can lead to big trouble for parents and children alike.

We are all fascinating beings with depths, aptitudes, traits and abilities that transcend any label that could ever be applied to us.  Catch yourself using labels and try to avoid using them with your children.  They are so much more than any label you could ever apply. 

Awareness is more than half the battle…

catherine

Author of the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids - a book about how to use the skills of a professional facilitator in the home to improve parent-child communication.  Find info here: http://bit.ly/4WJhV

Exactly.

catherine

She laughed politely and then proceeded to tell me that her second child is about as perfect as a child can be.  I must have looked incredulous, because she said, “Really, she is perfect.  She is obedient, polite and does exactly what we say. She never gives us any trouble.  She is very different from her brother and sister.”  (I guess they are not perfect.)  All  I could say is, “Wow.”  I quickly excused myself – I really was without words.

I have been thinking about that perfect kid all day.  How horrible to be thought to be perfect.  That is a lot to live up to – one slip and everyone will notice.  Try being a perfect 10 every single day. I imagine that being ‘the perfect one’ earns her no favour with her brother and sister either.

I asked myself, would I want a perfect child?  Sure, it might be easier when a child is completely obedient, eats everything, does tasks when asked and never talks back.  But how boring!  It is the myriad of quirks that my kids have that make them so very interesting.  My son never will go to bed when I ask and it is frustrating.  At the same time, he keeps us laughing with all the before-bed silliness.  And my frustration at my daughter’s lack of focus during soccer games was intense - until I realized that she was dancing to her own muse in the corner of the field.  We pulled her from soccer and put her in dance classes – and no more frustrating soccer games.  Our kids imperfections keep us rooted and, to be very honest, needed.  Does a perfect child still need a parent?

The last thing that occurs to me is that a perfect child may bust out in the teen years as an act of rebellion. All that perfection business could really create some resentment in a child. One day the lid could blow off that perfection in a truly ugly way.

So, let’s forget about perfect kids.  My favorite photos of my kids are the ones with messy hair, mud-stained clothes and toothless (but joyful) smiles.  Let your kids be imperfect – it is a lot more fun for both kids and parents alike.  And a heck of a lot less pressure for your kids.

I’m an imperfect mother with imperfect kids.  Thank goodness.

catherine

Author of the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids - a book about how to use the skills of a professional facilitator in the home to improve parent-child communication.  Find info here: http://bit.ly/4WJhV

You make a simple request to one of your kids and it is ignored.  Your child may reply, “Okay” and then not do it, or you may be completely tuned out.  So you repeat yourself, only louder. You notice a few minutes later that your request is still ignored.  So, using the same exact words, you repeat your request even more loudly. 

And you find that, no matter how you stress out over the messy room or the toys strewn everywhere, your kids don’t respond.  Don’t they care about your rising frustration levels?  Can’t they hear that you are getting angry?  Why won’t they just do what you asked?  Why?  Why?!?  WHY!?!

Well, there are a few reasons and some very simple solutions that will help.

1. The more you nag, the more your kids will tune you out.  Being nagged is unpleasant and kids often try to ignore the unpleasant. You know that you don’t like to be nagged; neither do your kids.  It feels like an attack.  There is often a strong negative tone with nagging that is the primary message your kids receive.  They hear your irritated mood, not your request.  It is unpleasant, so they ignore it.  The remedy:  Take the emotion out of your request.  Don’t use a negative tone or negative words.
2. Keep your message clear and simple.  If what you really want addressed is the jumble of shoes in the front hall, just talk about that.  Don’t add anything else.   Younger children need tasks broken down into small parts and they may need your participation to be successful.  Older children need to feel that the request can be completed easily.  The remedy: Be clear about what you are asking and provide support to get the task started.
3. Allow for some negotiation.  Does the mess have to be put away this very minute? Kids often complain that their parents don;t acknowledge what they are already doing.  So, instead of insisting they do it right this minute,  say, “I would like the front hall cleaned up.  Will you do it now or right after dinner?”    The remedy:  Allow for some negotiation. When kids feel that have some power over the situation, they will feel more inclined to listen and to comply.  Hold them to their choice, though.

So, try to catch yourself nagging and ease up a little.  If you want better results, try something different.  I think it was Albert Einstein who defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Makes you stop and think, doesn’t it?

catherine

To learn more easy ways to make communication with kids easier, read Talk about Anything with Your Kids. Go here for more info: http://bit.ly/4WJhV.

Do you know what the definition of regret is? ‘Distress of mind on account of something beyond one’s power to remedy’ (The Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Don’t let your words lead to regret.

I regret some things I said years and years ago. The memory of the words that slipped out will always stay with me. Would that I could take those words back…

You know, Ann got a lot right.

catherine
You’ll never regret learning to communicate better with your kids! The award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids shows how small changes can make a huge difference.  http://http://bit.ly/4WJhV

Whether you are speaking to someone or sending an email, you need to consider what else may attract the attention of your intended audience at the same time. Sometimes it is obvious; at other times you may need to do a little work to see what else may compete with your message.

Here are some considerations:

• In person: Never try to compete with a television. Don’t try to talk to your spouse or children about anything important to you while the TV is on. This is a losing proposition and will only lead to anger and frustration. This applies to the computer, when someone is reading or listening to music. Even if the person looks up from what he or she is doing, you are still competing with the TV, computer, book or music. Please don’t get frustrated if your message is not received as well as you would like…pick another time, when the conditions are more favourable.
• Via email: If you are sending an email, realize that yours is one of dozens, maybe even hundreds that your recipient(s) will receive today. How can you make yours stand out? Give it some thought. There is a lot of competition for attention. And know that you may need to send out more than one email to get your message across. Ensure that the words in your subject line shout “OPEN ME!”
• Via phone: You know that you multi-task when you are on the phone; don’t be surprised when I tell you that you rarely have the undivided attention of the people you are talking to on the phone. They are likely watching TV, sitting in front of a computer, reading whatever is at hand… Unfortunate, but so often true. If you have something important to say, ask for the attention you need before you say it or try to arrange to talk in person (we don’t do that enough anymore).

Just remember, what you have to communicate is very important to you, but it will have to compete with the ‘noise’ of the modern world that surrounds your target audience. So, if you have an important message, ensure that it is not drowned out in a field of noise.

catherine
To break through your communication challenges with your kids, read the award-winning Talk about Anything with Your Kids http://bit.ly/4WJhV.  Simple solutions to a frustrating problem…